everything is new

Food! Glorious food! What more could you ask for?

2009-04-28T14:01:00.000-07:00

so my friend mary asked me today why i have totally stopped writing for my blog. so, mary, here is a post. as i explained to her, i have once again fallen into the habit of writing a lot, just not publishing. for example, a while back i wrote this and chose not to publish it because i could not imagine it being interesting to anyone else but me. looking back on it though, it is pretty funny. here it is:

"my little baby is no longer a baby. he is a little boy. a little moose boy. i am constantly amazed by the new things that he is learning and ways that he communicates with me. he has an amazing sense of humor, is extremely expressive and dramatic (i wonder where he gets that from!), fiercely independent and loving. he is the best.

anyway, what struck me today was his appetite. when i say that he is a little moose boy, i am not really kidding all that much. he isn't fat, or even close to it. he is in the 40th percentile in weight and 75th in height. what i mean about his moose like tendencies is that he can really pack the food away. i have no idea where it could go. i just can't express that enough. he must be going through a major growth spurt or something. this is what he ate for breakfast today:

a cup of watered down apple juice
two handfuls of multi grain cheerios
1/2 of a banana
8 strawberries
1/2 of a grapefruit (plain)
a bowl of plain Irish oatmeal (adult serving size according to the side of the bag)
one scrambled egg
1/2 of my 1/2 of the grapefruit (because he said and signed please multiple times)
1/2 a cup of whole milk
the other 1/2 of the banana
a few more cheerios

and i think that he might have eaten more if sesame street hadn't been on.

i feel like i should express that i did not encourage this behavior. i am not force feeding him. i am not tempting him by putting everything under the sun in front of him. he is not eating out of boredom or anything. i feel confident in that much. he specifically said, "mama, eggs please?" when there was no sign of egg making around. he made exaggerated sound effects while eating his oatmeal "mmmmm, yuummm, mmoorreee?" he gobbled up all of his fruit before i could put the next segment down. he seemed genuinely hungry, did not whine but was relentless in his pursuit of more food. and, he said please and thank you for all of it. he was just really, really hungry. he ate more breakfast than stephen and i combined. 1/2 a serving of irish oatmeal fills me up until a late lunch.

i find myself both concerned and amused. at the very same time. where does he put it? when did he become such a little boy? isn't he supposed to eat like a bird and be really picky at this age? and, am i a bad mother for allowing him to eat so much? all these things, and more, run through my mind simultaneously. luckily, he doesn't eat quite this much all of the time. today was a rare event. i wish that i took a picture of all the food on the table. that would have looked pretty funny. like one of those weight loss reality shows where you are supposed to be really horrified by the mass quantities that just one person can consume, minus the doughnuts etc.! and then the twist is that it's (*gasp*, *shock* and *horror*) the meal of a 15 month old boy! maybe next time. baby moose boot camp."

so mary, there you have it. i told you that i wrote a whole post about my sons breakfast. i was not kidding. this is why i don't publish all that often. how, when and why did my life come to this point that what keeps my thoughts occupied is the amount of food that my son can consume in one sitting? plus, truth be told, the next series of thoughts don't get any more interesting, just gross. bowels and such is next on my minds agenda. i won't go there here. you are welcome.

someone, please, make it stop! haha.

ps- i'll post a picture or two later.

about me

2009-01-01T20:04:00.000-08:00

So my dear friend Ramona tagged me in a post challenging me to write down 16 random things about myself. I would normally steer clear of this sort of 'tom foolery' but Ramona is exceptional and her answers were nothing shy of those expectations. Besides, it sounded like a good distraction from the million and two things that I have found myself consumed with as of late. I can not promise that my random facts will deliver in the exceptional category but I'll give it my best shot... So, here it goes:

1. i have an obsession with keeping things 'even'. anyone that knows me well can attest to this because they are usually handed a red hot, or three, with no explanation. just the expectation that they will oblige in eating it for me because it drives me crazy to eat an uneven number of small foods and throwing it away is not an option. they also need to be evenly distributed in my mouth, two on one side, two on the other and so on. it's not so much that i am OCD or anything, at least i can't see it if i am, it just irks me. i am a bit obsessed with this 'even' notion in most areas of my life actually. my husband can attest to that with muffled curses i'm sure. i tend to make lists in my head. for example, "well, you did 'this' so doesn't it make sense that i should be able to get away with 'this' because that is fair, and even?" i admit, it can be a little obnoxious at times. i just hate for things not to be balanced. if i have to juggle 3 things, you should too. i suppose that i'm a bit of a control freak too, eh? i'm really painting a lovely picture of myself here...

2. i dream, A TON. i can rarely recall a time where i have not dreamed in a night. my dreams are vivid and extremely convincing. i suppose that i have really good instincts or something? an over active imagination? i'm not really sure what to call it. whatever it is, it causes a lot of trouble in my life. i have quite often woken up from a night of dreams and just wanted to punch stephen out, for something that he did in the dream. i will often stay mad at him for most of the day. i suppose that part of the reason for the lingering anger is that most of my dreams come true. when i was 5 years old until i was about 7 i had a reoccurring dream about my grandfather falling to his death in an airplane crash. the dream was extremely vivid. i won't go into too much detail except that the majority of the dream was in color until the eventual end scene of the crash which became black and white. when i was 10 years old my grandfather passed away due to a plane crash where he was steered improperly by a drunk air traffic control person into a suburban neighborhood. his accident was printed in a local newspaper and the image was that which i had dreamed in black and white three years prior.

3. on the dream subject, i walk, talk, scream, play, dance- you name it- in my sleep. i do this most when i am stressed out about something. it too can be a bit scary at times. when i lived alone in atlanta i set off my house alarm more than once by going to my balcony door and opening it. that is a scary place to wake up. i have woken up, fully clothed, in the shower. i was facing the shower head, which was not on thankfully, and was pretending to wash my face. as i came to i walked around my home to see if anything was out of place. i went into my living room and found that i had taken all of the pillows off of my couch and chairs and stacked them in the middle of the room largest to smallest. then on another occasion, just a few months ago, stephen says that he woke up to me playing peek a boo with the bed covers. i never woke up for this one but apparently i repeatedly put the covers over stephens face and when i pulled them back, instead of saying peek a boo i oinked like a pig (i will sometimes do this with finnegan because it gets him laughing). i could not stop laughing when i learned of this. it still makes me laugh. man, my husband goes through a lot with me!

4. i love, love, love to dress up. i love making costumes. i love buying vintage clothing. i love getting gussied up for a special event. i love every single bit of it and i'm pretty good at it too if i do say so myself. among my list of favorites: a life size elephant, a horse (for a little girl that i nannied- it took me a month to complete it but i was determined to show her that you don't have to buy a costume for it to be the best costume- she learned), a hot dog (my son for halloween this last year), ketchup & mustard (me & stephen for halloween this last year). there are more but those are my favorites for now. as for vintage clothing and bargain shopping goes, some may not know that i was a buyer for a funky little shop in Atlanta called the Lucky Exchange for a few years. i loved it. i only quit because i moved back to chattanooga. i wish that i could bring that job back here.

by the way, i also ALWAYS think that hot dogs are funny.

5. this list is starting to take a while. i suppose thats another thing about me, i'm impatient. well, sorta. i'm not impatient with kids (for the most part) but adults- now that's another story. i'm also impatient with myself. or maybe another word for it it critical. i am a demon perfectionist and although it can sometimes be a strength of mine it is most certainly my downfall as well. it keeps me paralyzed sometimes. it keeps me paralyzed from pursuing whats really important to me a lot of the time because i hate to do anything below my own standards. how can i get paid to do that professionally?

6. when i was a little girl (about 4) i desperately wanted to be a boy when i grew up. i lived with my parents in a duplex in ambler, PA. downstairs from us lived a family with a little boy, Joel, who was my age and we were best friends. we instantly made plans to get married one day and spent most of our days playing 'house'. 'house' consisted of joel sticking me with his doll so that i could make him dinner, take care of HIS doll and do 'mommy things'. he then proceeded to take the big wheel and ride up and down the driveway all day because he was at 'work' and doing 'daddy things'. this pissed me off to no end. i insisted that someday i would be a boy so that i wouldn't have to do the 'mommy things'. joel quickly said that wasn't possible because i had long hair. i then began the adventure of cutting my own hair so that i could reach my goals. after several attempts, many spankings and lectures my mom struck a deal with me. she said that if i stopped cutting my hair myself she would take me to joel's barber down the street and get a buzz cut, just like his. a while later i got my reward of a big honking piece of double bubble and a seat at the barbers. i have very vivid memories of this. i also have a memory of my grammy (after seeing my new hairdo) saying that i might become a lesbian with a hair cut like that.... my childhood memories are quite vivid.

7. i have a relatively rare depth perception problem that i only recently discovered. it turns out that my eyes work about 10 times harder than the average persons eyes and when i'm tired from a long day of 'seeing' or little sleep my eyes tell me that everything is about 10 inches farther than it is really. my dr. said that i have prob. had this my whole life, it was just brought to my attention after having finn and being sleep deprived. whats funny is that my whole life i have been called clumsy, spastic, accident prone- you name it. and don't get me wrong, i AM all of those things. just a little less so now that i have to wear glasses.

8. i live in an old credit union building. it was also once a mental care facility and sunday school classrooms and offices. it is now our home. we have since converted it to meet our needs of home and work. stephen has an amazing recording studio and i have a great screen printing studio. we also have a giant walk in safe which is my darkroom for screen printing. we have done a lot to make it ours but we still have a long way to go. we love it here though. it couldn't suit us more perfectly.

9. i am a fiercely loyal friend. i am not quick to let someone into my life on that level though. once i do you know it because i am fiercely loyal. sometimes to a fault. i say that it is sometimes to a fault because i have been hurt by people that i perhaps should have moved on from far before i bring myself to make that decision. i catch myself thinking, "oh, but surely they didn't mean to say those nasty things about me? surely there is an explanation, right?" i take my friendships so seriously that i often consider them to be my family. i suppose that the flip side of my loyalty is that i tend to expect a lot from those that are important to me. i need to ease up on that a bit i think. i feel like i have gotten better over time.

10. i am fairly shy. at first at least. once i am somewhat comfortable around you i am really good at covering it up. i am generally more interested in the conversation to let my insecurities get the best of me. i think that i am a strange mutant of my parents demeanor's. i can come across rather stand offish or quiet (like my dad) but once we begin a conversation you usually can't shut me up (like my mother). i talk a lot out of nervousness most of the time. i also have a knack for saying really inappropriate things by accident. it just comes out wrong.

11. despite my shyness (which used to be way more extreme as a kid- in grade school especially) i used to think that one day i would come out of my shell and become a movie star and surprise everyone that i could act, sing and dance. i also used to think that i would grow up to be a ballerina and live in france or italy. then i used to think that i would grow up and have a really perfectly typical family in the suburbs with a perm, a yellow house and a beige honda of some sorts. i wanted to 'blend in' in a way that my family never did. i quickly snapped out of that one thank goodness.

12. i have a collection of old 1950-1970's cookbooks. when i am stressed i day dream of a day where nothing will be expected from me but to have a perfectly shellacked up-do in a starched puffy dress and heels. i would live in a small house a la 1961 in perfect kitsch and watch my 'stories' while sipping on cocktails. the strange lobster jello mold will be setting in the fridge and the meatloaf cooking until they match the colors in my outfit. my husband would come home at 5:00 and i wouldn't have to think about all of the things that i could or should be doing. it would all be mapped out for me and i would think it was perfect (because i wouldn't know any better).

i know, that sounds really crazy. it's not like i really want that. i think that sometimes i long to not have anything great expected of me so that i will be content with my destiny of cooking strange meals in a color coordinated bubble while i shellac my hair to death. again, crazy, i know. it's just a fleeting thought sometimes. i'm just daydreaming. i do that a lot.

13. when i was about 14 or 15 my mom and i sat down in the kitchen and decided to write down a list of predictions about my future. my career, my husband, my children etc. and at what ages i thought these things would happen. everything has come eerily true except that i was married a year and a half later then i had expected. it's really quite creepy and beautiful how right on my thoughts were at that age even. oh, and one other thing, i don't have a little girl yet and i no longer plan to name her sophia but a little boy named finnegan is way better anyway. i don't think that i'll go for the name sophia anymore either. too many people have stolen it.

14. i am a terrible speller. i often mix up the proper way to use then and than or there and their. it's quite embarrassing. in fact, i'm sure that i have goofed several times in this list but i don't have time to check it. i have dedicated enough time to this as is.

15. i found out that i have dyslexia when i was in college. i was a nanny for two little dyslexic girls and i found myself having a hard time with the dyslexia challenges that they would have for homework. that explained a lot.

16. when i'm angry i color coordinate my closets and stephen's- unless i'm mad at him because he loves it when i do this. did i mention that i am a control freak at times?

a dream

2009-01-01T20:01:00.000-08:00

the oceans tide swells and sways and i am waterlogged. a brightly colored floatation device is on my back but it is not enough to carry my weight and the straps pull at my shoulders. i am struggling to breath but fighting hard with a few heavy kicks to keep me afloat and to remind me that i have not drowned. not quite yet. my chest is tight and my heart heavy. i hum to keep my mind busy and distracted of the impending doom. a heavy, warm charcoal grey of a storm begins to creep over the sky. i am both terrified and a bit relieved that my journey might be coming to an end. i start to give in but out of the corner of my eye i see a shadow that appears to be a person struggling in the water. i muster up the last of my energy and swim towards him thinking that i can at least offer my floatation device because it would be a shame to have it go to waste. its too pretty and special to drown with me. i keep on swimming and then, to my dismay, find that there is no one there. then i hear someone calling my name. i start to swim towards the yelling but become too afraid to trust that there is actually someone there. i didn't want to be disappointed and exhausted again. then i would surely drown....as i debate my next move i decide that it would be best to try and keep positive, even if it is foolish. i keep on telling myself that we can surely float on okay but i am not convinced. i start to gently weep and my tears propel me towards the other struggling individual- in a tim burton kind of a way...

then i woke up to a brightly colored flotation device crying my name through the monitor.

i need to illustrate this visually i think. it was so very vivid. i also probably need massive amounts of therapy. my dreams are scary. sometimes i wish that i didn't dream at all.

i hope that i was rescued.

Lykke Li + Me

2008-11-08T18:43:00.000-08:00

I am obsessed with this. Totally and completely inspired. I just had to share...

GO VOTE!

2008-11-04T09:27:00.000-08:00

CORRECTLY PLEASE...

mourning a great loss

2008-10-27T22:24:00.000-07:00

This past weekend Finn and I took a last minute trip to Atlanta in hopes of introducing him to many of our friends who had yet to meet him. Stephen had been there for the better part of the week working and we missed him something awful so away we went. I didn't need much convincing and Finn had begun to sound like a broken record with, "dada, dada, daaddaaaa, dada". I had a running list in my head of all that I had hoped to accomplish, people I wanted to see, things I wanted eat, kids that I needed to meet (!), conversations that needed to be had. Of course, very few of those things were ever crossed off of my list or remembered at the appropriate time. It is a very different experience taking a trip with a baby (almost 1 year old). Anyway, we had a lovely time with our dear friends who welcomed us into their home and family outings. It was just a very different time then I have been used to- in that particular environment at least. I equate Atlanta with my single days- not married with a kid days. Funny how that slipped in there.

To our disappointment, Stephen ended up needing to stay in Atlanta one more night and was not able to caravan with us as originally planned. We stopped by the studio on our way out to say our goodbyes and he seemed notably distracted or upset or something. I just assumed that he was tired and overwhelmed by the work he had left ahead of him in the night. We went on our way and later that evening Stephen delicately shared some devastating news with me that he had learned just prior to our stopping by the studio. He didn't want to share it with me before I had to drive home. Our dear friend that we both used to work with at the High Museum for years, Robi Lyle, had passed away almost a week ago. Apparently he had been in a coma for about a month after passing out one afternoon. It was then that Dr.s discovered a massive brain tumor which resulted in his passing. He was at the hospital with his family when he passed away.

Robi was one of the people on our list that we had intended to get in contact with so that he could meet our son, Finnegan. Over the last eight years we had kept in semi regular contact with him- every few months or less we would either email, call or coordinate hanging out. He was supposed to come 'get away' for a weekend at our home. He was supposed to come to several of our parties- but something always seemed to come up. All of the 'should have, would have, could haves' began to run rampant in my brain. We have been in a state of shock I think. We both keep on googling his name to see if there is any more info on him etc. Stephen discovered a blog that he wrote on his myspace page a short while ago. It makes me both sad and comforted to hear his words. I thought it would be nice to share them...

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Ghost Man on Second
Current mood: I want to slit my wrists.

It is funny sometimes, how conversation works, I mean. For instance, let's say you've saddled up to some bar--in this case, a favorite spot on Peachtree Street. You are a regular--like that Norm fellow from "Cheers.". In fact, you know the bar keep. He is a decent fellow, to be sure. Nice hair, good smell--a class act all the way. Let's be honest, you covet his girlfriend. Deep in your heart you know you would love her better, if only you had the chance. But anyway, he's an ok guy. It's a slow night and the two of you are talking up the Braves, the weather, the election and so on. However, you didn't come to the bar for chit-chat. You have important things to do. You are at the bar to pencil in the profound thoughts that have been crawling under your skin all day like a rash. You brought your journal, a good pen and some chewing gum--you're there to write in your book. Small talk is not on the agenda. But you are a good sport, you think to yourself, so you play your part--"Yes, it has been hot." or "You are right, Obama is our JFK," and so on. The whole time, in your head, you think you are doing the bartender a favor by talking, keeping your end of it up, so to speak. He's the lucky one, conversation-wise. You are the party supressing the yawn and looking at your watch on the sly--or so you think. But, you soon discover, the first chance he gets, he abandons the conversation under some made up pretense ("I have to go count the ice") and it hits you, you're the rube, the clown, the unaware waste of a few precious moments. He was thinking the same thing you were--"How do I get out of this?" and the whole time you thought you were the Spalding Gray of the pair--not the Potsie Webber. Well, friend, you were wrong. You may not want to wear it, but you, in fact, are the well known drag (and everybody knows it). Just shut up, drink your beer, and write those scintillating stories that will impress all your friends on Live Journal in silence.

Be careful about pointing the finger, that is all I am saying.

So. this is my first blog entry. While I have your eyes, I think I can make this experience worth your while by suggesting that if there is someone you love in your life--and I am not just talking about romantic love, it could be the love of a friend, the love between mother and child, or two bankers, whatever--if you love someone, give them a call. Do something nice. Love is all we need, sang the Beatles, but it is also all we really have (of value)--and I say this even though I have an ipod. So, take the hand of the person on the bus next to you and tell them how much they mean to you, how much they add to your life. It won't do you any harm. Keeping it to yourself, on the other hand, can be a real bear. It's like you are the coach of the team during the big game and your "I love you(s)" are time-outs. Don't let the clock run out when you have time-outs in your pocket. That's just fucking dumb.

Be the kind of person who says "I love you" easily--that's almost as good as cultivating the rep that you always smell good.

Above all, keep on thinking free.

-Robi Lyle

ROCK STAR, BABY!

2008-10-27T18:16:00.000-07:00

Finn is going to be ONE on Nov. 14th! Crazy, crazy, crazy. How did this happen already? Anyway, I have been planning his first birthday party and decided on a 'Rock Star' theme. The boy is so infatuated with music that I truly think this would be his idea of an awesome party. So, in preparation, I had a little photo session for him to use in the invitations... or maybe a card board cut out? Man, that would be freakin' hilarious. I'm on it. For now, here are some of the pictures... enjoy 'em!

Catch Up

2008-10-27T13:16:00.000-07:00

It's well over due that I update my blog...

I celebrated my birthday in August and had a fabulous time. My birthday woes were minimal if not totally absent. It was a sigh of relief. Stephen really went above and beyond to make it special- and this was before I posted any of my woes on my blog- it was totally unprompted and perfect. I woke up to a yummy breakfast of eggs, toast, soysage, strawberries, oj and coffee. mmmmm.

The night before my birthday, Stephen arranged for my in laws to come to our house to babysit so that we could go out to dinner. We went to Nico's at Southside and I was thoroughly impressed. I used to work there when it was under different owner ship and although it was good then, it is better now. Way better now. My in laws gave me some lovely presents before dinner and my mother in law made me a delicious blueberry pie to have at my leisure. Again, mmmmm.
Then, on my actual birthday, Stephen gave me my birthday presents from him, Wii FIT! & accessories for it, a Duffy CD and a day on the town with my two main men... Stephen and Finn. We went to Coolridge Park, ate at Mud Pies for lunch and walked the Market Street Bridge. Then, I got to take a nice long afternoon nap. It was perfect!

This was the best present though.... hahahahaha!

Oh, and earlier in the week my friends took me out to eat for dinner at Tony's Pasta in the Bluff View Art District. The weather was perfect and we got to sit out on the balcony, looking over the river at sunset. Sadly, a lot of the photos didn't really turn out though. Anyway, it was great. I really scored on some beautiful and thoughtful gifts too. Funny, there seemed to be a theme of orange in my gifts. My friends know me well...

lets backtrack, shall we?

2008-10-07T13:27:00.001-07:00

alright folks (all three of you) i have been looking through my old blog drafts today and realized that i have WAY too many of them. why am i so scared to post my thoughts? this topic came up in 'playgroup' at graces house this morning. some people don't post as much because they know that certain family members will read it and they are afraid to offend anyone. some people said that they only use their blog to note special occasions & milestones for family that live far away- but they wish that they had the time, patience, talent etc to write as some others do. while others seem to let their insecurities get the best of them or compare themselves to others too much. i am guilty of all of the above, and more.

several of us began talking about other friends and acquaintances that keep blogs and how much we enjoy them. we compared notes, made observations and listed some of our favorites. i quickly began to notice how much we actually keep 'tabs' on one another- even those that we (or i at least) don't often speak to if we run into them in the grocery store! how strange is that?! it's kind of a new form of voyeurism. only, i don't think that its as bad. i have really gained a lot of insight with the snippets that i've read here and there. it has helped me feel a little more normal at times, a little more hopeful and a little more aware of where people are coming from and the people that they want to portray themselves as or are. since i tend to be one who makes too many assumptions, this insight has been helpful.

anyway, all of this to say that i think that i will backtrack and post some of my old drafts. they might not be eloquent. they might not be interesting. they might not be smart or insightful but they are my thoughts none the less and i should really try and edit myself less sometimes. so, bare with me, will ya?

unpublished

2008-08-23T12:06:00.000-07:00

imaginary, unreasonable, daydreaming birthday wish list...

1. an eames rocking chair in red.

2. a TON of cash

3. Instarsia Striped Dress from Orla Kiely

4. a housekeeper

5. red Mary Jane shoes with a kitten heel

6. a gym membership with a personal trainer

7. a spa day. massage, manicure, pedicure, facial- the whole 9 yards

8. champagne & strawberries

9. a bike with a basket and a bell

10. the perfect pair of pajamas

11. magically longer, prettier, perfect hair

12. a trip to NY in the fall

13. a TON of cash

14. a green roof

15. a landscaped yard with pretty ornamental grasses

16. a deck

17. porch swings

18. a vacation to the beach & a healthy looking tan

19. a new way to communicate with my husband

20. my husband to read my mind- when its convenient for me.

birthday woes me

2008-08-23T11:34:00.001-07:00

* this post is one of my rough drafts that, funny enough, i never posted. now, months later, here it is. *(see the post where I ask you to bare with me...)

so my 28th birthday is coming up. next Saturday, august 30th. birthday celebrations are a HUGE deal to me. i love celebrating. i love finding the perfect gift for someone (which is not always timely but i like it that way too. i hate a forced or rushed gift. a gift months after your birthday is common from me...) i love making a nice card. i love, LOVE making birthday cakes and cupcakes. (for those who don't know, i really love baking cupcakes. i have a double oven in my kitchen and can really crank em out. one time, for a friends baby shower, i got carried away with the different flavors and decorations that i all of a sudden looked up and realized that i accidentally made 112 cupcakes! that's right, 112!) i love celebrating with people through out the week in different ways. i love a good theme party. i love getting spiffied up for a night out for dinner and drinks. i love birthdays.

the problem is that i love birthdays so much that i tend to have high expectations and get stressed out when it comes to planning my own. i kick butt at throwing a party for someone else. i enjoy the decorating, the baking, the shopping, the invitations, the phone calls... i like every part that goes in to throwing a party for someone else. i love the details and most of all, i love that i am creating a special party for someone that i care about in a way that shows their personality at the party. but i HATE planning my own. it stresses me out.

last year for example was a disaster. for starters i was majorly pregnant in the middle of a heat wave, exhausted, hormonal and terrified of what our lives would look like in a few short months. i had high hopes that on that magical day of august 30th i would miraculously feel some sort of relief from the realities of life. most of all, i had hoped that i wouldn't have to make any decisions. i wanted desperately for someone to swoop in and say, "hey, let me plan your birthday in a way that highlights who you are to me. let me organize a party where you will be surrounded with people who care about you and want to help you celebrate...."

yeah right. who does that?

as I'm writing i realize that it might sound like i want to be the center of attention but that's not it either. i just want to feel comfortable, at peace and content with people who i care about to celebrate the passing of another year. i want to mark it as a day that is different from the (sometimes) mundane passing days. why wouldn't everyone want to celebrate the day that God gave us life here on earth. how cool is that? i want to rejoice in that. i want there to be good food, good music, white wine, flowers (mums and peonies) and lingering conversations. no small talk. i hate small talk. i am no good at it.

i cant help but wonder if my hang up with planning my own birthday is mostly due to
finances. i know that i can throw a great party on a tight budget but it takes a TON of effort. i don't want to put that work and money on someone else. i function on guilt. last year Stephen kept on asking me what i wanted to do on my birthday and i didn't know what to tell me except that i didn't want to plan it. everything that i could think of that i might want to do required more money then we had. i knew that if i told Stephen what i wanted to do he would insist (sort of) that we do it anyway and worry about it later but i just don't function like that. i wouldn't be able to enjoy it knowing that we couldn't really afford it ("it" being just about anything last year since we were saving every penny that we could in anticipation of Finnegan).

anyway, all of this to say that i hate that i get like this every year the week before my birthday. it's silly, right? wait, don't answer that. i don't really want to know your answer. i just want to have these feelings go away. maybe by writing them down and putting them out there for all to see, these thoughts will leave me. ? yeah right. hahaha.

STUDIO TIME

2008-08-22T11:14:00.000-07:00

well, my paints are in order...my fabrics are color coordinated...

and texture coordinated...
project coordinated...
and material coordinated...

and neatly (for me) placed on my new shelving system.

my flat files are somewhat organized and i now have a designated sewing/computer area. i bought the industrial metal shelving systems (x2) from a local bakery that went out of business. the owner also sold me two bread racks (as seen below) that fit my smaller screens perfectly for storage and/or drying! i have one in my studio and one in the safe (my darkroom). somehow i thought that if i put my studio together i would be motivated to work too... that has yet to come. crap.

mr. legrand

2008-08-20T20:52:00.000-07:00

im sorry but i think that i have the cutest little boy there is. he looks like a cartoon in this picture. does it get much better than this? i cant imagine anything better! i think that it actually captures how happy he was that afternoon too. he was thrilled with his new little wooden police and ambulance cars and the sound that they made on the metal high chair. he is such a little boy. i love it!
just look at those little big man shorts pulled up way high with squeaky clean hair! i think that he looks like a little cupie doll. he was going to town on his little piano during this photo session. its so neat to see him take new interest in toys that he could have cared less about just last week. he is really playing now too. he is totally content playing on the floor in his bedroom for much longer periods of time now. his enthusiasm is contagious.
this last picture is actually from april but he is wearing the same shorts. they fit then and now, as you can see above they are too big in the waist and ride up super high! he isn't even sitting up on his own in the bottom sailor photo. what a little moose. man this poor kid is going to have a TON of embarrassing photos of himself in costumes etc. hopefully he will have a great sense of humor and grow to love it.

BLOGGING TIME!

2008-08-20T08:29:00.000-07:00

ALRIGHT! it has been way too long since i last posted. i told my friend amber the other day that i have been writing, i juts haven't been posting. the problem is that i got into the habit of sitting down to write when i had a few minutes to vent, spill and/or brainstorm and would inevitably get to a point in my writing where i would share too much information that i really wasn't interested in sharing with the masses. ok, so maybe i only have like four readers but for the idiot strangers that leave comments on my blogs asking me to check out some link, i dont care to share my life with them in that way... plus, i have had some trouble getting my iphoto to work on my new computer etc. etc. etc. what good is a post about your kid/family without pictures though, right?

SO. this summer. i have been busy to say the least. i think ill just list and add photos where appropriate...

1. we have been plugging away at the million and one projects in and around our house, quickly attempting to baby proof. not quickly enough i might add but we're making the best of it. finnegan is not really crawling. well, he isn't interested in getting on his knees at least. he, as one of our friends from church says, just flounders around on the floor happy as can be. he has become quite speedy at an army crawl of sorts and rolling. he pulls up on furniture every now and then and occasionally has taken a few side steps while holding on. it generally seems like more of an accident but the practice is there so i will call it progress.

2. we celebrated stephens 30th bday this july. per stephens request we had a low key day, just the three of us, doing some of his favorite things. we went to mckays bookstore, americas thrift store, a music store, took a walk, ate chinese food and i made him my apple pie that he loves so much. it was a nice day had by all. we plan to celebrate a little more extravagantly sometime after my birthday with a mini family vacation, just the three of us. we have yet to do that and i am looking forward to it.

3. we planted a mini garden that has been providing some yummy veggies, pretty sunflowers and herbs. i cant wait to tackle a 'real' garden next season. the side yard by the back door is calling for it. we also planted some white oleander bushes, four chinese dogwoods on the side of our driveway and four viburnums in the front. we still have quite the blank slate but it will have to wait for some cooler weather in the fall. i cant wait to landscape!

4. finn was baptized! actually, it was before the summer but i am really behind! he wore a gown that stephens aunt pat made for him before he was born. she took a special class just for it. she always says that it must have been a mistake that stephen was born to sue because he is really her son. she is super sweet and finn looked quite dashing. i look forward to passing it down to our kids and grandkids someday.

looking back at this photo is kinda shocking. i cant believe how much my little moose has grown already!

anyway, the baptism was beautiful and special to us. we were so glad to have been able to share it with some of our family. afterwards i planned a lunch at my moms house where we also celebrated nona (my mom's grandparent chosen name) and grammi's (stephens mom's grandparent chosen name) birthdays. their bdays are just a few days apart so we thought it fitting to have finnegan baptized the weekend between the two. it was a wonderful celebration all around however certain family members were sorely missed.
by the way, as nursing babies often do, finn hadn't pooped in over THREE days the morning of the baptism. the moment we put the gown on him i ironed and packed an emergency back up outfit by the look on his face. stephen and i were just convinced that the moment that we handed him over to our pastor he would let it rip up the back. we were a nervous, giggly wreck the whole time. i couldnt get that lovely outfit off of him fast enough when it was over. we made it out alive and clean, but just barely! what good is a post without a good poop story, right? here is a picture of both dada and finn looking very nervous before the ceremony...
5. so as you can see in the above chubby picture of myself, i now have glasses. as my grammy used to say, "girls with glasses dont get passes sarah!" never more have i felt her words ring so true. just kidding, sorta. i must say that glasses are not the fun fashion accessory that i once dreamed they might be. at least not for me. i see plenty of other women who look dashing, funky and fashionable in them. i just feel silly in them. but, no more migraines = a good thing. it turns out that i have a relatively rare depth perception problem where my eyes work 10 times harder then most everyone else's eyes and i've prob. had it my WHOLE life! geeze. so when i get tired, my eyes especially, is when i start knocking things over, falling up steps, running into parking meters etc. etc. etc. when my eyes are tired i see things about 10 inches farther then they really are. hence my frequent accidents... sorta. i'm prob. just a hot mess too.

6.speaking of hot messes, i taught art classes this summer for AVA. i had 14 six to eight year olds for a week in the afternoons. may not sound like much to some but it was crazy for me. it might not have been so crazy had it not been a last minute gig and i had been able to plan five solid lessons in advance. what i hadn't anticipated was that they would soar through about 5 projects in half of our time if i wasn't careful. i had to over plan every day. i eventually got the hang of it and ultimately had a great time. for flying by the seat of my pants i think that i did a pretty good job... they seemed pretty pleased.

6/12/08

2008-06-12T12:36:00.000-07:00

i'm glad that i have the desire and urge to write again. just for the simple fact that its therapeutic for me. i have definitely been in a bit of a slump since my grandmother passed away. not in every aspect of my life exactly but as far as motivation and creativity is concerned- i have been slumpish. and slumpish i am not. i see it in the little things like writing about Finnegan turning over, getting baptized, eating solid food for the first time & sitting up on his own. it sometimes seems impossible to reflect upon without her coming into mind and quietly sobbing. sometimes its just too painful to rehash these emotions over and over again. i cope by ignoring them. i know, that's just not too bright.

i think that my grammy wanted to be sure that we wouldn't forget her - or be alright without her. i know that sounds selfish of her but it was more fearful and insecure. besides, who wouldn't be at least a little fearful that we didn't live our life to the best of our potential? or that we were/are replaceable. my grammy enjoyed being the center of attention a great deal. she loved a good debate. she loved to stir things up and would often seem to disagree just so that she would stand out and be noticed for her strong opinions. she was nothing if not feisty.

i digress...

for example, when i was pregnant she often spoke rather fatalistically to me. saying things like, "i just hope that i'll be alive long enough to meet your son"... or, "to see him roll over" or, "to say mama & dada". i think that my grammy lived with too much fear in her heart. she was (is?) a faithful woman and would probably have said that it wasn't fear but that she was being 'realistic' so as to justify her fear. obviously if you are insanely sick it is reasonable to worry about these fears but to share them with you 8 month pregnant grand daughter is something else. the problem is that she was like this in most aspects of her life and i believe that it greatly affected her chances of recovery. that's sad and hard to say but she would have probably been the first one to admit it.

i hope that i am wrong as that is a difficult way to live ones life- i know first hand unfortunately. i think that i tend to be a bit like my grammy in that regard. stephen calls me a worry wort. the thing is that i am painfully aware of this and feel like i fight against this tendency routinely. so if it is still coming off as fearful to those who im trying to fool- imagine what they would say if they saw my heart! scary.

anyway, all of this to say that i need to face these fears, tendencies and feelings of remorse a lot more straight forward then i have been. i am working on it. maybe writing these things down is half the battle for me. maybe this will help. maybe this will help someone else. who knows.

2008-05-27T12:08:00.000-07:00

These days we have been playing a game of musical chairs with our computers and their software. It's a regular riot, let me tell you. Anyway, my studio computer isn't hardwired for wireless Internet yet, Stephens studio computer doesn't have iPhoto right now and through a series of unfortunate events our laptop is on the fritz. SO, that's my excuse this time around for not posting more- pictures especially. Sorry to all ten or so of my readers for not sharing the growth of our little big guy, Mr. Finnegan Legrand. He is the cutest. More pictures soon. I promise. Life has been very full lately but I would like to make time to share it more with those who we don't get to see as often... really.

Nancy Lee Cardillo

2008-04-16T12:01:00.000-07:00

these are just a few of the photos that stephen put together for a slide show presentation with music at the visitation. everything went very well considering the circumstances. i think that's about all that i'm able to really say about it for now. i can't believe that it's been 3 weeks already... i thought that maybe posting some pictures would at least jump start me into wanting to write again. soon i will write some news of the Boy. he turned 5 months this week. where has the time gone?

in the garden

2008-03-25T18:55:00.000-07:00

this morning my grandmother passed away peacefully at her home with my op pop and mother by her side. thankfully she has not left home but gone to her Home in eternity where she is free of pain and suffering. please continue to pray for our family, my op pop especially. specifically, please pray that God will guide us on how to grieve appropriately. thank you.

update

2008-02-25T10:38:00.001-08:00

i feel a bit nauseated these last few days. i don't think that I'm coming down with anything. I'm emotionally nauseous.

nancy lee

2008-02-19T20:24:00.000-08:00

on sunday afternoon stephen, the sweet husband that he is, encouraged me to take the afternoon by myself so that i could visit my grammy & op pop and catch up with my thoughts. i knew that it was necessary but i was reluctant. i didn't want to face the situation of my grammy out of fear that i would fall apart. as i sat in the hospital a few days before i watched my mom comb her mother in laws hair and soothe her pain somewhat. temporarily, i became jealous. i desperately wanted to reach out to her in the same way but i was too afraid. i was afraid that if i did, i would loose it & i didn't want either of my grandparents to see me that way. i have been trying to fight my tendency to cover up my true emotions out of fear that i might cause an upset but it just wasn't working fast enough. i can be quite impatient too. im painting a lovely picture of myself here...crap.

so again with stephens gentle nudge, i went to the hospital. without my handy distraction, mr. finnegan legrand, i tried to brace myself for my grammys increasing decline and disgustingly hot hospital room. with many deep breaths and the removal of several layers i sat next to my grammy dressed like it was summer and cried. it was a brief cry but a public cry none the less. it felt good but im still not ready to let go completely. to cry too much like that feels like i would be publicly mourning her. i dont want to let on that in some ways i already have. i feel like i am now beginning to mourn for my op pop. i am afraid for him and selfishly afraid that he will no longer be the same op pop that i adore.

there has been a strange shift in my grammy over the last few days. instead of her whimpers and requests for more pain medication she has been confused and laughing, a lot. this is not like my grammy. she is the pessimist and leaves any optimism to my op pop, deeming it as being realistic. as i mentioned before he jokes around as his coping mechanism. lately, with great sadness, he hasn't been able to get many laughs out of her. my op pop said that the other night he woke up to her trying to get his attention. she had kicked all of her blankets off and thrown them to the floor. when my op pop asked her what she was doing she just began laughing hysterically. then, a few moments later, she didn't know who my op pop was.

my visit on sunday was very much the same. one moment she would laugh and laugh, call people silly names or try to shoo away mysterious red bugs off of our faces. the scariest part is that the doctors aren't sure why. she isn't on ANY pain medication to explain the hallucinations. right now we are just trying to get her to eat 10% of her food so that she can be well enough to go through chemotherapy. i can't help but wonder if its worth it. i hate to see her suffer so much. its just not her anymore. somehow the doctors still seem to think that the chemo is a good solution if she can get her weight up a little.

just please pray for our family. also, please excuse my long winded writings (stephen says i shouldn't be so apologetic but i cant help it). it has been a really positive thing for me to be able to collect my thoughts like this and share. i have been overwhelmed by the love and support our friends and family have extended to us. thank you.

op pop, me & grammy

2008-02-18T20:14:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to find a recent photo of my Grammy when she last looked like herself. This is the best that I could find and it was over two years ago at our wedding...

numbness

2008-02-15T21:56:00.000-08:00

today we got the results of my grammy's bone marrow tests. it seems that leukemia has reached her marrow. the results don't look promising but they are still talking about possibly starting chemotherapy as early as monday. in the past my grammy has said that she would never go through that at this stage in her life though. she is really scared and confused. we all are. please pray that God will help us through this sad, sad time. my grammy and op pop especially.

aches of the heart

2008-02-13T19:40:00.000-08:00

i have sat quiet most of the evening out of fear that the moment that i begin to speak of what is on my mind i won't be able to stop the tears. i know this to be true so instead, i'll write. needless to say, i have had a rough day. on the eve of valentines day at that. oh the irony.

my grandmother, nancy, is really sick. her ailments are many and have long been with her. especially so these last two years. she has battled illness of some sort the majority of her life starting at a very young age but she has always been quite fiesty and strong in spite of it. sometimes that has translated into her words in not such a positive way towards others but it has been her means of survival. her double edged sword.

these last few months have really taken a toll on her though. she slowly began to give up i think. at first she was just fed up with feeling sick all of the time and without results. after two years of steady decline and a lack of answers from doctors her only relief was found in perscription pain medications that only masked her symptoms and made her worse. it seems that atrophy has rapidly set in. shes been lethargic, confused and depressed. carrying on a conversation with her has been difficult because it's just not been the same woman that i know. all she wants to do is sleep and eat cupcakes.

each week i have tried to make it a habit of going to visit with Finn and a dozen cupcakes in tow. and each week it gets more difficult to watch. i routinely get in a quick cry on my drive home and just try to continue with life as usual. each week she, with increasing difficulty, attempts to tell me the same few stories and is confused as to why my op pop is cooking dinner when she insists that it must be breakfast. as my op-pop (thats what i call my grandfather) recently said, "well its all of this darn medication thats making her walk down queer street!" i told him that was an odd way of putting it. he laughed stating that he and his siblings used to say that to one another when they were kids. "i only mean that she's acting different from herself you know" he quickly explained. i thought it was pretty funny.

funny. thats my op pop for you. his whole life he has dealt with pain, suffering and sadness with a sense of humor. my uncle chris, my op pops oldest son was born mentally retarded and the bond they have with one another is simply beautiful. its comprised of mostly absurd jokes about underwear, monkeys and bananas. they have long conversations with the Beatles, loud sing a longs in the car and trips to the mall every saturday afternoon for a cookie and a some music. my favorite is that my op pop will sometimes say to chrisy, "well whats wrong you goofball? whadya retarded or something?" to which chris will laugh uncontrollably. i know that to some that might sound harsh or insensitive but it truly isn't. they just have an understanding unlike no other. he is a wonderful caretaker, inside and out.

the same can be said about my grandparents marriage. they have had their ups and downs as i understand it but their marriage's 'temperament' has remained the same. they kind of bicker. my grammy is a conservative republican. my op pop is a stead fast democrat. my grammy is a WASP and my op pop a WOP (ok, not really a WOP, I know thats offensive to some. he is Italian through and through). my grammy talks a lot to anyone and never shys away from being blunt. my op pop is quiet and stoic (until he knows you well and then he tells these really cute, long stories that don't always have a punch line. i love it!). they disagree on just about everything except for the importance of family and their unconditional love for one another. differences and all they truly LOVE one another. they have a funny way of showing it but as my op pop says, "yeah, we fight but it just means that we have more fun making up than most people do".

since my gammy's rapid decline, and after a fall she took that sent her health over the edge, my op pop has quit his job to take care of her full time. she is no longer able to walk, or sit up on her own so op pop has taken on all of the household duties too. this is quite remarkable since my grammy would never have allowed him to do any housework or cooking when she was well. she now keeps a large cow bell by her bedside and he dutifully comes running when she needs him. all of these new responsibiliteis and concerns have seemed to take a toll on him at times but he will rarely accept help. he just says, 'it's ok. i don't mind, really.' i assumed that he must just not be telling the truth so that we wouldn't worry too much.

today my grammy is in the hospital. two nights ago she was afraid to go to sleep because she thought that if she closed her eyes she wouldn't wake up again. so she and my op pop tearfully sat up with one another the entire night. my op pop told long stories and jokes until her scheduled dr.s appointment the next morning. after seeing the dr. he admitted her to the hospital so that they could run some tests and monitor her health. in one of the first tests they discovered that she is extremely anemic with only 10 percent of her needed blood supply. they quickly began giving her blood transfusions and hooked her up to an IV for food since she hadn't really eaten much in two days. so today i went to go visit, with more cupcakes in tow.

when i pulled up to the hospital i called my op pop on his cell phone to make sure that i had the room number right. when he answered i could tell that he was crying but trying to hide it. he explained that they were taking some of my grammy's bone marrow at the moment and that he was glad i called because he just couldn't stand to watch much longer. after hanging up with him i was panicked. i had only seen my op pop get misty eyed once, many years ago, when he was telling me about his father's death. i didn't know if i could hold it together. after a phone call with stephen and his calm voice of reason, i went in.

op pop met me in the hall and immediately i knew that i was meant to be there. he looked like he needed me and i was relieved to be there for him. my grammy had a team of nurses in the room with her getting her cleaned up so my op pop and i sat on a couch just outside of her room and talked. i don't think that ill ever forget the special words that we shared. in between sobs and trying to keep it together he shared some sweet thoughts with me. i won't be able to even type this without crying but its kind of theraputic for me to get it out...

he said, "you know, this might sound bad, but i dont mean for it to... if it wasnt for grammy being sick and all, i've really enjoyed this time with her. it's almost been fun! i'm just so glad that i've been able to spend this time with her. it's given me the the opportunity to tell her how much i love her many, many times a day instead of the once or twice that i used to. i just wish that she was a little more with it, and obviously not sick. it's sad that we didn't do more of this when she was well. but you know, sometimes i think that God put me on this earth just so that i could be here to take care of your uncle chris and grammy. and im happy to do it. my only fear is that God will take me before either of them and if they go before me, i hope that i can leave at the same time because i dont know what i would do with myself."

after many tears were shed between the two of us and just before i had to rush home to feed Finn my op pop gave me a big hug and thanked me for being there for them. i know now that i was the one who needed them. i have so much to learn from them both...

Home Sweet Freakin' Home

2008-02-08T19:53:00.000-08:00

Stephen and I threw our third annual Super Bowl Party at our home last week. We borrowed a friends projector and made the screen as large as one of our walls. We arranged stadium style seating around our great room, drank beer and ate way too much junk food. I love entertaining- despite what my husband may think as I obsess about getting our home 'whipped into shape' with projects that take much longer than an afternoon. Oh, to be wealthy with a housekeeper and plenty of time... Then my house would be amazing!

For those of you who might not know, Stephen and I have been renovating our (mostly) amazing home for about a year and a half now... maybe longer, I can't recall most days. Anyway, it is not your typical home. In fact, most days we refer to it as 'The Building'.It used to be a credit union of sorts so the transition from a commercial space to a home is a sometimes difficult process. It's 3400 square feet complete with a walk in safe in the middle of the great room. In most ways it could not suit us better it's just that the 'To Do' list never seems to end sometimes...

So during the game I had the opportunity to chat with some friends who I really hope to get to know better, Mark and Amber. I think it was Amber who asked if we were enjoying our home. After a day of obsessing over all of the projects that I wanted to get to but couldn't I honestly answered, "Depends on when you ask me."

And then I remembered just how freaking far we have come in our home improvements! Just take a LOOK! My memory is so very flawed! (ok, look at the pictures up top. I am so technologically retarded.) Suddenly I recall staining the concrete floors, finishing and painting the plaster walls, replacing the broken glass, finishing out the studios, creating a master bedroom, finishing up the bathrooms, installing storage systems, putting in wood floors.... oh the list can go on and on. WHEW.

2008-02-08T07:43:00.000-08:00

It's amazing that he was ever that tiny... I can't believe that I'm already forgetting what he was like just a few short months ago! My baby is growing SO fast!

A story in photos of Finns Dr.s appointment...

2008-02-01T14:43:00.000-08:00

Someday Finn is going to ask why Daddy was taking pictures of his first immunizations instead of consoling him like Mommy...

Family

2008-02-01T14:40:00.000-08:00

WE ARE A CRAZY BUNCH OF FOOLS. We are incapable of taking a serious family photo I think. I wouldn't have it any other way.

A few things...

2008-01-22T12:04:00.000-08:00

I don't feel up to thinking about writing too much today. So instead of trying to make each of the topics in my brain flow together well in an articulate post I'm just going to list, as usual.

1. We took Finn to his 2 month checkup and immunization shots last week. We were well aware that he is a big little guy due to a few obvious clues.

#1. all of his newborn clothing and some 3-6month stuff were either too tight or increasingly snug.
#2. he no longer fits into newborn, size 1 or size 1-2 diapers.
#3. there are a lot of babies in the neighborhood around his age that i have been sizing him up to.

so I have been affectionately calling him my Little Moose for weeks. even with all of these clues stephen and i were blown away that our little 2 month old son is the size of the average 5 MONTH OLD! he weighed in at a whopping 14lbs 9oz and 25 inches long. his weight is proportionate to his height but he is still a little moose. a perfect moose.

2. last night, for the second night, Finn slept through the night! the first time was Saturday night. he went down at 10ish, woke up at 6:45 and then went back to sleep until 9. even better yet, last night he went down around 10pm and didn't wake up until 8:17am! at first a moment of terror came over me that something was wrong until a little yelp for milk came from his basinette. this might not seem that big of a deal to some but trust me, it is. i actually dreamed last night! i slept so hard that i woke myself up because i was talking in my sleep. i wasn't awakend by tears for milk!

3. this morning at 8:34, as if he was just overjoyed for milk, Finn laughed for the first time ever. it was sort of an old man chuckle but a laugh none the less. he was just grinning, cooing and staring at me and then it popped out. i knew that it was coming any day now. just yesterday stephen and i were talking about how we could tell he was about to at any moment. we were just hoping that it wouldnt be over the next couple of days though because stephen has to be out of town for business. the moment Finn laughed i laughed too and then i started crying a little. i called stephen immediately hoping that he would do it again for him. he continued to talk to me and smiled really big when he heard stephens voice over the phone but no more laughing. im just sad that he had to miss it.

4. as i mentioned in #3, stephen is currently out of town on buisiness. just for a few days of recording in Atlanta. i sometimes forget how fortunate i am to have his help throughout the day and evening. just the little things like having someone to carry finn and his carseat out to the car while i grab his diaper bag and stroller. its so easy to take those things for granted. i am so glad that he is able to work from home. it has been a bit of a struggle not to 'bother' him while he's at work but we are slowly adjusting. i think that its equally as difficult for him not to take too many breaks throughout the day to see what cute thing Finn is doing or whatever. not that he isn't a hard worker or anything. he works harder than anyone i know. he's just a good dad too. its a difficult balance sometimes. i need to think of him as actually being away during 'office hours'.

5. our friends, david m and kirsten r got engaged over the weekend. stephen, finn and i were able to celebrate with them and some more of their friends at las margaritas later in the weekend. it was really nice to celebrate such an important step in a couples relationship. during dinner, and over several drinks, stephen and i talked some with david about some of the myths you hear about marriage from people who like to give you an opinion as if its a fact. its quite similar to what you hear with your first child really. we always found it odd when people would put a negative spin on it with broad statements like, "oh, be sure to do this, this and that before you get married/have a kid because your life will be over once you take that step" or "your life will never be the same". sure i guess that your life will never be the same if you don't know who you are very well... stephen and i found that instead life was really quite similar but with a more profound focus and drive to love one another in a more specific way. sure our days of sky diving might be a little less likely now that we have someone who is dependant on us but we are both afraid of heights anyway... i just mean to say that we look at things differently but not negatively. our live are just better now that we are married and have a baby. we love one another more now that we have a specific focus and commitment. it takes work but its not the task or chore that so many people like to paint it as.

in the same breath, we were also able to honestly talk about how difficult the first year of marriage was for us. it was a relief to openly speak of that time and be able to chuckle about it in a way. im just glad that we are over that year. i wouldnt trade it or change it either. the highs of first being married somehow balanced out the lows of difficulty and hurdles. those hurdles or 'discussions' were necessarry and well worth it though. im just happier in year two. im sure that as the years add up there will be new challenges and hurdles, i dont want to sound foolish or nieve. i just hope that i never have such a grim outlook on marriage. its too special.

as im writiing this i realize that it might sound as though im speaking out of both sides of my mouth. i dont think that this is the case though. i guess i should try to articulate how its different but im not sure how. i just know that it is... geeze, this is why i don't 'blog'. i think ill just stop. its time to feed the moose again anyway.

oh, and by the way, i am aware that my spelling is incredibly poor. please excuse it. im working on it. i think that ill take this opportunity to blame it on my dyslexia though. i was relieved to learn that the two are generally linked. the same is true of being bad with remembereing peoples names... i could tell you what color socks someone was wearing two months ago but thier name, forget ti.

2008-01-07T20:25:00.000-08:00

i have seriously neglected this blog concept yet again. i dont mean to. each time that i sit to write i just end up scrolling through the running list of blogs that i read and lose track of time. then, before i know it its time to feed Finn. not that im complaining, really im not. i love my time nursing him. i just feel like i need to justify my slacker ways in updating everyone on all that is new with me and my family.

instead of attempting to write a major summary of the last 2 months i think that i will try to cover the basics as they come to me. as i mentioned in a previous post, stephen and i were blessed by the arrival of our wee little man, Mr. Finnegan Legrand. as cliche as it sounds, he has changed our lives forever in ways that we never knew possible. its amazing how this little person can enter your life for just a few short weeks and you suddenly can't seem to imagine life without him. stephen and i are completely smitten with him. he is perfect.

perhaps the most pleasant surprise of all is the renewed love that i have for my husband, stephen. it hit both of us pretty hard and unexpectedly i think. for the pessimists out there you can call it hormones and adrenalin but i know that it is more than that. we had attempted to brace ourselves for the overwhelming love that we would feel for this little stranger but hadn't completely considered what it would do for our marriage. the process of labor seemed to be not just about the delivery of our son but the journey that all three of us were making together. i feel a whole new sadness for women who have to go through child birth alone. i don't know what i would have done without stephen by my side.

we aren't stupid, we imagined that it would be an unbelievably amazing experience that would strengthen and test our relationship, we just didn't know how much. i couldn't have ever imagined it. we were already pretty infatuated with one another and our marriage seemed to be growing stronger each day (some days better than others of course. i can't seem to shake my 12 year old tendencies of feet stomping every now and then). he is my best friend and i am so greatful for his patience, unconditional love and sense of humor. i am in love the husband he has become and the wonderful father that he is gracefully becoming. i love him on a whole new level. i can't wait to see what the future brings.

2007-11-24T09:10:00.001-08:00

FINNEGAN LEGRAND NICHOLS

2007-11-24T08:53:00.000-08:00

Our sweet little boy has arrived and changed our lives forever. We are SO proud to introduce Mr. Finnegan Legrand, Finn if you like. He weighed in at 8lbs, 7oz and is 21.7 inches long. More to come later... I promise.

I suppose I could share this too...

2007-11-09T11:09:00.000-08:00

We think that we have chosen a name for our son. I only say think because we want to reserve the option to change our minds if it just doesn't seem to fit his face or something. Anyway, we are quite excited to announce that there will soon be a little Finnegan Legrand Nichols joining our family. We plan to call him Finn for short.

Oh, and by the way, anyone even thinking about telling us a story about some guy you knew with the same name who was a real jerk, better not. I mean it. Some severe butt kicking would be in order if you try it...

We hope you love the name as much as we do!

I know...

2007-11-09T10:40:00.000-08:00

I have been really bad about keeping everyone up to date on the pregnancy details. I am now in my 40th week of pregnancy and just kinda pissed about it. I know that I should stop my pissing and moaning- it could be worse. In fact, that is the primary reason/excuse that I have for not writing more often. I would routinely start to write something and then realise that I was simply complaining and no one wants to listen to a Wendy Whiner. Now, however, I feel a bit more justified in my complaints. 40 weeks of pregnancy is far from fun.

To look at the bright side of it all, my body has been adapting to the probable size of our little boy, all 8 pounds of him, and it looks as though I might be able to handle it after all. How exactly I'm still not sure but that's what my Dr. says. That's pretty amazing considering the fact that early on I was told not to count on carrying the little guy full term because my pelvis wouldn't be able to handle it. At least we are both healthy and naturally preparing...

Yesterday Stephen and I went to our Dr.s appointment in hopes of hearing some good news of progress towards his arrival. Sadly, we did not. Dr. Shull says that boys usually arrive late because they are Mama's boys and don't want to leave. So, very little dilation and effacement has yet to occur and if I don't go into labor by Tuesday at 5am, we're scheduled for a contraction stress test at Women's East. It was explained to me that this is sort of like a 'practice run' for inducement to see how sensitive the baby and I are to a small amount of pitocin (sp?). If my contractions occur with regularity and relative ease on a small amount of drugs then we are likely to be ready for labor inducement. If the contractions aren't regular enough in an hours time then we will just wait it out until our boy is ready. I suppose that some women would opt for full on inducement at that point but I want to attempt to deliver as naturally as possible and avoid the 'cascade effect' of other procedures that I'd prefer to avoid.

Anyway, that's where we stand. We have been anxiously awaiting his arrival and nesting as much as possible. A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks. We bought a new refrigerator, a new car, our home and soon a little boy. Well, I suppose we didn't exactly 'buy' him but he sure has cost a lot so far! All of these things have been quite positive but we are all feeling emotionally, physically and financially drained to say the least so please keep us in your prayers. We will update everyone as soon as he arrives!

eww

2007-09-14T16:20:00.000-07:00

my bellybutton has popped out. it looks crazy strange. i don't know that i'll ever get used to that one...

2007-08-23T20:43:00.001-07:00

this month

2007-08-14T19:24:00.000-07:00

so a TON has happened since i last wrote and im just not sure where to begin... lists always do me well so here it goes and then ill attempt to fill in the blanks with photos and whatnot when/if i gain the energy.

1. stephen and i went on vacation to the jersey shore and nyc about a month ago... geez, its already been a month? we had a lovely time catching up with the cardillo clan at the shore with lots of sun, nj waves and great food. i got to take a ton of pictures of bright lights, cheesy beach hotels stuck in a time warp, boardwalk games and rides, the new jersey Italian bocce ball league and hot dogs.

a few members of my moms side of the family were able to join us as well. it was SO nice getting to hang out with the santa marias and yacovones. i miss being close to all of my extended family. it was a nice reminder though that we want our son to know just how big his family is. he already has dozens and dozens of people who love him more than he knows. that kind of gift is simply amazing. it was a nice reminder to us that family, far and near, should always be top priority.

our brief stay in NYC was excellent as well. we got to hang out with some of our closest friends that we miss dearly. we stayed with our friends joel and mandy in Brooklyn. then all four of us met two of my best friends, molly and maggie, at a restaurant in little Italy for dinner. i am so glad that it worked out so well to visit with everyone.

2. i have officially quit my job as professional nanny. my last day was a little over two weeks ago. now i will soon take on a similar job without the weekly paycheck. what was i thinking again? its strange not getting a paycheck anymore for very similar work. especially since i'm sort of working harder now.

3. we went for another Dr.s appointment a week and a half ago. everything is going very well. i only gained 1lb. i only put that in there because it seem that every jackass stranger, and the occasional family member, feels the need to tell me that i look HUGE. i just don't understand the strange logic that goes through someones head before they utter such words. im not THAT big. i mean its just about all baby belly. its not like my butt has tripled in size or anything... it's not at its most attractive state either, but it's only slightly larger.

so, a word of advice to the clueless masses out there, when i tell you my due date it's rude to say, "oh really? i just can't believe that! you're too big to only be that far along." no one asked you. i don't go up to overweight strangers or family and ask them how long they've been on their diet plan and then gawk at them insisting that it couldn't possibly be that long because they just don't look that different. the same rules should apply. do i sound bitter?

4. my good friend, grace, will be leaving us in Chattanooga for a bigger and better job in San Fran soon. i will miss her sorely. it has been so nice to hang out with her while we've had her here. that being said, before she has to leave christian and she decided that they wanted to throw Stephen and i a baby shower. so last Friday the festivities began. it was a really nice time had by all i think. our friends were incredibly generous with lovely items both on and off of our registry list. its always nice getting things off of the registry list from friends who have great taste and know ours well.... but with anyone else that can be a bit frightening. we scored big. thank you to all who came and helped s celebrate. we had excellent company, great food, lovely music and, I'm told, good cocktails.

5. i think ill end here for now. some studio time is calling my name. i apologize for the sporadic nature of my blog posts. then again, any of you who know me well, know that its quite similar to the way in which i carry on a conversation so you ought to be used to it by now. i will try to be better about posting in these last two months before the newest nichols arrives....

WELL FOLKS...

2007-07-12T14:41:00.000-07:00

IT'S A BOY!

I'll write more later... I'm on my way to go celebrate. He's a healthy, tall, big headed, energetic, round faced, thumb-sucker! We couldn't be more thrilled!

ONE WEEK FROM TODAY AND...

2007-07-05T10:41:00.001-07:00

we'll find out if it's a girl or a boy! Stephen and I can hardly contain ourselves we are so excited. I am counting down the days and minutes like its Christmas. I just hope that Herman stays still long enough to catch a glimpse...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KELLY! (one day late)

2007-07-04T06:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my sister in law Kelly's birthday. I attempted to post some photos of her on the actual day but they all uploaded upside down for some reason. So here are a few of my favorite photos of her.
One of the many things that Kelly is obsessed with is Lord of the Rings. I think that she looks like she belongs in the book/movie in this picture. Truth be told, I think she may have been pretending the very thing when I took this. She's so goofy.
But even goofier still is her patience with me when I convince her to let me take a picture of her second place win in one of the many ugly face contests I beg my family to participate in. Just one of the many reasons why I love her and am thrilled that she is a part of my family. Happy Birthday Kelly!

NEW ROUTINES... with more to follow.

2007-06-29T12:50:00.000-07:00

My sister in law Kelly and I have a regular outing that we try to take about every other week at least. Sometimes more, occasionally less. We have started just calling one another and asking, "So are you up for "the regular" today? What's your schedule looking like?". This makes me quite happy. The regular just consists of meeting one another at Rembrandt's (with future boyfriend and girlfriend, Benjamin and Leia in tow) because they have free, mostly shaded parking. We, well I, usually grab an iced coffee to go and then we head to the Walnut Street Bridge for a couple of laps depending on the weather and the kiddo's. Then we trek back up to Rembrandt's to share some fruit salad and sandwiches.

A few mornings ago we accomplished 'the regular' and I snapped a few photos of the event.
I left my camera at home though so I'll have to include them later...

Its really comforting to know that these regular events are already in place. I know that there will be plenty for me to adjust to when the baby arrives but these sorts of things make me feel a little more prepared, as little as I am capable of at least. What's even better is that Kelly, Ian and Leia will be moving to St. Elmo as of August 1st so they will no longer be 20 minutes away. It will be so nice to have them in the neighborhood! As I get further into my pregnancy and things begin to feel more real I find myself obsessing about these things. I imagine its normal but my emotions have really tended to flip flop a lot lately. One moment I'm ecstatic, the next I'm terrified and then I'm in tears.

I also started going to an open house of sorts for Moms/Moms To Be (which happens to be the majority of the women in and around St. Elmo) and women in the neighborhood who happen to be home during the morning/day. Grace is nice enough to open up her home every Tuesday morning as an outlet and chance to reconnect with everyone, adults primarily. I found it especially nice to hang out with those that we always intend to invite over for that amazing home cooked meal but never seem to have the planning skills to follow through on. I'm feeling really optimistic. Things are looking up (but just give me about 3 minutes and that might change). I'm working on being more content with Gods plan for me and my family and trusting that even with the bad, there is a reason beyond my comprehension.

2007-06-27T20:24:00.001-07:00

a guesstimate of 14 weeks
a guesstimate of 16 weeks with a 2lb gain (i think that looks like more than 2lbs though)
at least i can still see my feet... for now

some reactions...

2007-06-27T18:49:00.001-07:00

Our nephew, Preston, was a little shocked to learn that he would be gaining another cousin.
Benjamin was a little slap happy and confused to learn of the news. We'll blame the juice.
Stephen on the other hand was quite freaked out. I'm afraid that his face might get stuck like this. As for our niece, Leia, she wasn't too fond of the notion that she would have to share the spotlight.

mmm

2007-06-27T18:38:00.001-07:00

I have been feeling the onset of pregnancy hunger in these last two weeks. No strange cravings yet but all things citrus, cherries, Mexican and strawberry are especially yummy. Oh and cucumbers. It's nice to smell food without vomiting finally.

That's Our Kid Alright...

2007-06-27T17:30:00.002-07:00

So this photo is from a month and a half ago by now. I've just been slacking on posting anything new. Truth be told I have been quite frustrated and feeling unmotivated to do anything lately. I am finally out of the morning sickness for the most part but a sinus infection and stress has been beating me down pretty hard. I know, I know. I'm a jerk for not being more grateful for the healthy , hyper active baby in my belly and my husband who loves me. I know this, I just have my moments. So, moving onward. Our kid is extremely hyper. When this was taken the baby was waving, kicking and dancing like crazy. At one point the baby kicked so hard that Stephen could see my belly jump from across the room. The nurse just kept on saying that she had never seen a child quite so active. At our next appointment it took the nurse about 10 minutes to find a heartbeat because the kid was doing some sort of dance routine. She looked at us and sternly said, "Seriously, you two had better prepare yourselves for an extremely active child. This is the most hyper active baby I've seen!" Oh no. That's our kid alright. She also asked if I was feeling all of the kicking and what not. Whats funny is that it felt pretty tame to the usual activity that I usually feel. I'm glad to know that I'm not crazy for feeling a little bruised.

i miss iceland.

2007-04-16T10:32:00.000-07:00

Take me out the Ballgame...

2007-04-12T12:58:00.001-07:00

Tonight Stephen and I are joining our good friends, Andre and Tracy to a Lookouts game. I am really excited. In fact it feels a little silly that I'm so excited but evening events are few and far between for me these days. Not to mention that its the perfect weather for a game. I just hope that the energy lasts...

I usually get home around 5:30ish just crossing my fingers that I will have the energy and strength to do something simple like make dinner or fold laundry... not to mention my artwork. This rarely happens now though. The smells of dinner make me want to throw up. And its different every time too so it's not like I can plan accordingly. I usually pass out on the couch and munch on some rice cakes. Anyway, I'm feeling good and I'm excited about going. I think that since we will at least be sitting down, and with junk food to boot, I'll be able to handle it.

Having so many limitations and being so dependant on Stephen and those who love me has been a huge lesson to learn. Stephen keeps on saying, "finally you'll let me be chivalrous!" I know this is only the start of things too. I can't imagine what it will be like when I'm really huge and helpless. I'm so used to my control freak, on the go ways that this is just throwing me for a loop. A good loop but a loop none the less.

Well, I better get going. The cracker jacks and popcorn are calling my name...

my boss is the best

2007-03-30T08:47:00.000-07:00

my boss (it feels silly calling her that) stephanie is the absolute best. i should say that i have two boss', both parents of ben. but stephanie and i spend a good bit more time together as she works from home. its such an ideal situation as far as a nanny goes. she has a lot of important conference calls throughout the day which requires my assistance but she is still a huge role in bens daily activities. Instead of being the strung out mom shushing her kid and putting him in front of the tube when she cant deal, she makes sure that when she can deal she is there 110%. i admire the standards that she has set for herself as a wife, mother and professional. not only can i say all of this about her but she has truly become one of my good friends in a relatively short period of time.

all of this said, it is going to be a sad day when i dont watch sesame street with ben in morning just before his nap time. when this time will come is still unknown to me at the this time but i know that it is inevitable. i also know that the joy of being a mother myself will far outweigh my concern of my future as a nanny though. ideally, i think that i would like to be able to either stop or decrease my hours a bit by 6 months or so. this way i will have plenty of time to rest and nest and prepare my studio a bit more seriously. we will just have to see what the numbers tell us though. and by numbers i mean finances.

oh yeah, another great thing about stephanie is the huge support, joy and knowledge she has shared with me throughout these first stages of being pregnant. she has already pulled out a bunch of books for me to borrow and some maternity blouses that im sure will be put to good use. today she went out shopping for a bit to get ben some shorts for these warm days. she just a little while ago called me from old navy very excited. she said,
"oh my gosh sarah. im at old navy and they have some of the cutest empire dresses that i just cant wait to live in this summer. im going to buy one for myself and id like to get one for you too because they are just too great. i think that it would work well as a maternity dress too!"
do you have a boss that will also be your personal shopper? crazy. crazy. crazy. she is the best... and not just because she buys me things but because she thinks to. i am a lucky girl.

sike...?

2007-03-29T19:57:00.000-07:00

Stephen and I went to visit my real Doctor today for what we thought was our 11 week checkup.

this is where 'sike' comes into play.

it turns out that the first doctor i saw was sorely mistaken on her judgement of an October 21st due date. it seems that we will be having a November baby instead as i am only 7 weeks pregnant, not 11 and a half. on the one hand I'm relieved as this means more time to plan and prepare. lord knows we need as much of that as we can get.

on the other hand though, I'm a little disappointed that I'm not farther along and closer to getting out of the 'danger zone' of the first trimester. not to mention getting rid of the nausea. plus, we probably wouldn't have opted to share our info with our church last Sunday had we realised that we hadn't actually made it as far as we thought. oh well, what are you going to do?

at least everything seems good and healthy. they did a sonogram and we got to see the wee one. we are calling it Herman until we know the sex by the way. we figured that sounded better than 'it'. plus, its yet another opportunity to share my love of Pee Wee Herman in an important stage of my life. first our wedding with the secret word and now our baby...

oh yeah, i should also mention that despite my mother and mother in laws hopes and dreams, there was only one kid inside of me. no twins this time around. we were a bit relieved to say the least. stephens grandmother is a twin, as is mine. also, my moms grandmother, great grandmother and aunt and uncle are twins. it seemed like we were in for it. we made sure to check, twice, that there was only one heartbeat and one baby. although we didnt hear it yet we did see it which was amazing. we also got our first photo. CRAZY!?! stephen and just keep on periodically looking at oneanother in amazement that this is really happening to us. we're thrilled, amazed and terrified all at once. i imagine that will never really go away, it will just increase as time goes by. again, CRAZY.

list list list

2007-03-28T11:57:00.000-07:00

today im feeling much better than i have in a couple of weeks. i got to sleep in a little bit because on wed. i dont go in to work until 1:30ish which is a nice mini break mid week. anyway so i woke up actually feeling alright, made breakfast and my decaf coffee (which i dont think ill ever get used to! i miss caffeine something wicked.) , did a few loads of laundry, washed dishes, cleaned the kitchen and helped stephen start to pack for his mini tour this weekend. he leaves tomorrow afternoon and although im terribly sad that im going to miss it all im excited to get through a few things on my list and then some. here is my list. i might be pipe dreaming but thats ok.

#1. have my little brothers over for a sleepover. they have been begging me for a while and i could use the company without stephen there, at night especially. im still a little skittish after the break in.

#2. pay my brothers to wash my car while i clean out the inside. a job well past due. im sure that they will jump at the opportunity to get crazy with the hose and get paid.

#3. make privacy curtains for the front and back doors.

#4. go to the fabric store for some fun new fabric for the windows in stephens studio.

#5. i have plans to have iced coffee and tomato sandwiches with christian but im not sure which day yet. i think some feet soaking time is in order too. i miss one on one time with christian. she is the best.

#6. i want to do a little bit of gardening. nothing too major as im a bit of a wuss now that im pregnant. im terrified of a miscarriage since i was once told that i shouldnt plan on having kids on account of my 'shabby ovaries'. anyway, id like to plant a few things. stephen even went and bought me an extra long gardening hose today so that it will be a bit easier.

#7. i would like to go to the insyde outsyde shoppe (yes its supposed to be spelled like that) and estate of confusion at some point. we are going to move our bedroom into the 'big room' and the baby's nursery into our current bedroom. in order to do so we plan on creating a modular wall to separate our bedroom from the rest. i think that either place might have some good options. something really different but practical. i think ill just go and scope things out.

#8. (which really should be number one) tomorrow morning we go for our first dr.s appointment with dr. shull. im really excited. a little nervous but mostly really excited. im especially anxious to hear what he has to say. i think very highly of him so far and look forward to any advice he might have. ive been doing so much research the last couple of weeks that i would love a professionals opinion that i trust. im sort of suffering from information overload and im sure that he will be helpful in making everything a bit more simple.

#9. im researching dishwashers on consumer reports. we were waiting until the sale of the building went through successfully before we made any 'big' purchases but our patience has run out. we have made a pact that we will buy one before we close. im quite excited about this as well. again, i never thought that i would find myself being the lady who gets really excited about a dishwasher. what is happening to me?

i suppose that is all for now. ben is still sleeping but i should get some reading done while i still have the chance.

all about the babies

2007-03-27T17:03:00.000-07:00

so this is my very first official blog. i must say that i feel a little silly doing this as i have been known to make fun of the people who call themselves 'bloggers' in the past. but, considering that i have recently discovered that stephen and i are TWO MONTHS pregnant i kind of need an outlet during my bouts of nausea. plus, i think it would be good to get started on keeping all of my friends and family updated throughout this wonderful process. so, no more mocking of those who blog (but i still hate the word 'blogger(s)' with a bit of a passion).