update

i feel a bit nauseated these last few days. i don't think that I'm coming down with anything. I'm emotionally nauseous.

nancy lee

on sunday afternoon stephen, the sweet husband that he is, encouraged me to take the afternoon by myself so that i could visit my grammy & op pop and catch up with my thoughts. i knew that it was necessary but i was reluctant. i didn't want to face the situation of my grammy out of fear that i would fall apart. as i sat in the hospital a few days before i watched my mom comb her mother in laws hair and soothe her pain somewhat. temporarily, i became jealous. i desperately wanted to reach out to her in the same way but i was too afraid. i was afraid that if i did, i would loose it & i didn't want either of my grandparents to see me that way. i have been trying to fight my tendency to cover up my true emotions out of fear that i might cause an upset but it just wasn't working fast enough. i can be quite impatient too. im painting a lovely picture of myself here...crap.

so again with stephens gentle nudge, i went to the hospital. without my handy distraction, mr. finnegan legrand, i tried to brace myself for my grammys increasing decline and disgustingly hot hospital room. with many deep breaths and the removal of several layers i sat next to my grammy dressed like it was summer and cried. it was a brief cry but a public cry none the less. it felt good but im still not ready to let go completely. to cry too much like that feels like i would be publicly mourning her. i dont want to let on that in some ways i already have. i feel like i am now beginning to mourn for my op pop. i am afraid for him and selfishly afraid that he will no longer be the same op pop that i adore.

there has been a strange shift in my grammy over the last few days. instead of her whimpers and requests for more pain medication she has been confused and laughing, a lot. this is not like my grammy. she is the pessimist and leaves any optimism to my op pop, deeming it as being realistic. as i mentioned before he jokes around as his coping mechanism. lately, with great sadness, he hasn't been able to get many laughs out of her. my op pop said that the other night he woke up to her trying to get his attention. she had kicked all of her blankets off and thrown them to the floor. when my op pop asked her what she was doing she just began laughing hysterically. then, a few moments later, she didn't know who my op pop was.

my visit on sunday was very much the same. one moment she would laugh and laugh, call people silly names or try to shoo away mysterious red bugs off of our faces. the scariest part is that the doctors aren't sure why. she isn't on ANY pain medication to explain the hallucinations. right now we are just trying to get her to eat 10% of her food so that she can be well enough to go through chemotherapy. i can't help but wonder if its worth it. i hate to see her suffer so much. its just not her anymore. somehow the doctors still seem to think that the chemo is a good solution if she can get her weight up a little.

just please pray for our family. also, please excuse my long winded writings (stephen says i shouldn't be so apologetic but i cant help it). it has been a really positive thing for me to be able to collect my thoughts like this and share. i have been overwhelmed by the love and support our friends and family have extended to us. thank you.

op pop, me & grammy

I've been trying to find a recent photo of my Grammy when she last looked like herself. This is the best that I could find and it was over two years ago at our wedding...

numbness

today we got the results of my grammy's bone marrow tests. it seems that leukemia has reached her marrow. the results don't look promising but they are still talking about possibly starting chemotherapy as early as monday. in the past my grammy has said that she would never go through that at this stage in her life though. she is really scared and confused. we all are. please pray that God will help us through this sad, sad time. my grammy and op pop especially.

aches of the heart

i have sat quiet most of the evening out of fear that the moment that i begin to speak of what is on my mind i won't be able to stop the tears. i know this to be true so instead, i'll write. needless to say, i have had a rough day. on the eve of valentines day at that. oh the irony.

my grandmother, nancy, is really sick. her ailments are many and have long been with her. especially so these last two years. she has battled illness of some sort the majority of her life starting at a very young age but she has always been quite fiesty and strong in spite of it. sometimes that has translated into her words in not such a positive way towards others but it has been her means of survival. her double edged sword.

these last few months have really taken a toll on her though. she slowly began to give up i think. at first she was just fed up with feeling sick all of the time and without results. after two years of steady decline and a lack of answers from doctors her only relief was found in perscription pain medications that only masked her symptoms and made her worse. it seems that atrophy has rapidly set in. shes been lethargic, confused and depressed. carrying on a conversation with her has been difficult because it's just not been the same woman that i know. all she wants to do is sleep and eat cupcakes.

each week i have tried to make it a habit of going to visit with Finn and a dozen cupcakes in tow. and each week it gets more difficult to watch. i routinely get in a quick cry on my drive home and just try to continue with life as usual. each week she, with increasing difficulty, attempts to tell me the same few stories and is confused as to why my op pop is cooking dinner when she insists that it must be breakfast. as my op-pop (thats what i call my grandfather) recently said, "well its all of this darn medication thats making her walk down queer street!" i told him that was an odd way of putting it. he laughed stating that he and his siblings used to say that to one another when they were kids. "i only mean that she's acting different from herself you know" he quickly explained. i thought it was pretty funny.

funny. thats my op pop for you. his whole life he has dealt with pain, suffering and sadness with a sense of humor. my uncle chris, my op pops oldest son was born mentally retarded and the bond they have with one another is simply beautiful. its comprised of mostly absurd jokes about underwear, monkeys and bananas. they have long conversations with the Beatles, loud sing a longs in the car and trips to the mall every saturday afternoon for a cookie and a some music. my favorite is that my op pop will sometimes say to chrisy, "well whats wrong you goofball? whadya retarded or something?" to which chris will laugh uncontrollably. i know that to some that might sound harsh or insensitive but it truly isn't. they just have an understanding unlike no other. he is a wonderful caretaker, inside and out.

the same can be said about my grandparents marriage. they have had their ups and downs as i understand it but their marriage's 'temperament' has remained the same. they kind of bicker. my grammy is a conservative republican. my op pop is a stead fast democrat. my grammy is a WASP and my op pop a WOP (ok, not really a WOP, I know thats offensive to some. he is Italian through and through). my grammy talks a lot to anyone and never shys away from being blunt. my op pop is quiet and stoic (until he knows you well and then he tells these really cute, long stories that don't always have a punch line. i love it!). they disagree on just about everything except for the importance of family and their unconditional love for one another. differences and all they truly LOVE one another. they have a funny way of showing it but as my op pop says, "yeah, we fight but it just means that we have more fun making up than most people do".

since my gammy's rapid decline, and after a fall she took that sent her health over the edge, my op pop has quit his job to take care of her full time. she is no longer able to walk, or sit up on her own so op pop has taken on all of the household duties too. this is quite remarkable since my grammy would never have allowed him to do any housework or cooking when she was well. she now keeps a large cow bell by her bedside and he dutifully comes running when she needs him. all of these new responsibiliteis and concerns have seemed to take a toll on him at times but he will rarely accept help. he just says, 'it's ok. i don't mind, really.' i assumed that he must just not be telling the truth so that we wouldn't worry too much.

today my grammy is in the hospital. two nights ago she was afraid to go to sleep because she thought that if she closed her eyes she wouldn't wake up again. so she and my op pop tearfully sat up with one another the entire night. my op pop told long stories and jokes until her scheduled dr.s appointment the next morning. after seeing the dr. he admitted her to the hospital so that they could run some tests and monitor her health. in one of the first tests they discovered that she is extremely anemic with only 10 percent of her needed blood supply. they quickly began giving her blood transfusions and hooked her up to an IV for food since she hadn't really eaten much in two days. so today i went to go visit, with more cupcakes in tow.

when i pulled up to the hospital i called my op pop on his cell phone to make sure that i had the room number right. when he answered i could tell that he was crying but trying to hide it. he explained that they were taking some of my grammy's bone marrow at the moment and that he was glad i called because he just couldn't stand to watch much longer. after hanging up with him i was panicked. i had only seen my op pop get misty eyed once, many years ago, when he was telling me about his father's death. i didn't know if i could hold it together. after a phone call with stephen and his calm voice of reason, i went in.

op pop met me in the hall and immediately i knew that i was meant to be there. he looked like he needed me and i was relieved to be there for him. my grammy had a team of nurses in the room with her getting her cleaned up so my op pop and i sat on a couch just outside of her room and talked. i don't think that ill ever forget the special words that we shared. in between sobs and trying to keep it together he shared some sweet thoughts with me. i won't be able to even type this without crying but its kind of theraputic for me to get it out...

he said, "you know, this might sound bad, but i dont mean for it to... if it wasnt for grammy being sick and all, i've really enjoyed this time with her. it's almost been fun! i'm just so glad that i've been able to spend this time with her. it's given me the the opportunity to tell her how much i love her many, many times a day instead of the once or twice that i used to. i just wish that she was a little more with it, and obviously not sick. it's sad that we didn't do more of this when she was well. but you know, sometimes i think that God put me on this earth just so that i could be here to take care of your uncle chris and grammy. and im happy to do it. my only fear is that God will take me before either of them and if they go before me, i hope that i can leave at the same time because i dont know what i would do with myself."

after many tears were shed between the two of us and just before i had to rush home to feed Finn my op pop gave me a big hug and thanked me for being there for them. i know now that i was the one who needed them. i have so much to learn from them both...

Home Sweet Freakin' Home

Stephen and I threw our third annual Super Bowl Party at our home last week. We borrowed a friends projector and made the screen as large as one of our walls. We arranged stadium style seating around our great room, drank beer and ate way too much junk food. I love entertaining- despite what my husband may think as I obsess about getting our home 'whipped into shape' with projects that take much longer than an afternoon. Oh, to be wealthy with a housekeeper and plenty of time... Then my house would be amazing!

For those of you who might not know, Stephen and I have been renovating our (mostly) amazing home for about a year and a half now... maybe longer, I can't recall most days. Anyway, it is not your typical home. In fact, most days we refer to it as 'The Building'.It used to be a credit union of sorts so the transition from a commercial space to a home is a sometimes difficult process. It's 3400 square feet complete with a walk in safe in the middle of the great room. In most ways it could not suit us better it's just that the 'To Do' list never seems to end sometimes...

So during the game I had the opportunity to chat with some friends who I really hope to get to know better, Mark and Amber. I think it was Amber who asked if we were enjoying our home. After a day of obsessing over all of the projects that I wanted to get to but couldn't I honestly answered, "Depends on when you ask me."

And then I remembered just how freaking far we have come in our home improvements! Just take a LOOK! My memory is so very flawed! (ok, look at the pictures up top. I am so technologically retarded.) Suddenly I recall staining the concrete floors, finishing and painting the plaster walls, replacing the broken glass, finishing out the studios, creating a master bedroom, finishing up the bathrooms, installing storage systems, putting in wood floors.... oh the list can go on and on. WHEW.

It's amazing that he was ever that tiny... I can't believe that I'm already forgetting what he was like just a few short months ago! My baby is growing SO fast!

A story in photos of Finns Dr.s appointment...

Someday Finn is going to ask why Daddy was taking pictures of his first immunizations instead of consoling him like Mommy...

Family

WE ARE A CRAZY BUNCH OF FOOLS. We are incapable of taking a serious family photo I think. I wouldn't have it any other way.