nancy lee

on sunday afternoon stephen, the sweet husband that he is, encouraged me to take the afternoon by myself so that i could visit my grammy & op pop and catch up with my thoughts. i knew that it was necessary but i was reluctant. i didn't want to face the situation of my grammy out of fear that i would fall apart. as i sat in the hospital a few days before i watched my mom comb her mother in laws hair and soothe her pain somewhat. temporarily, i became jealous. i desperately wanted to reach out to her in the same way but i was too afraid. i was afraid that if i did, i would loose it & i didn't want either of my grandparents to see me that way. i have been trying to fight my tendency to cover up my true emotions out of fear that i might cause an upset but it just wasn't working fast enough. i can be quite impatient too. im painting a lovely picture of myself here...crap.

so again with stephens gentle nudge, i went to the hospital. without my handy distraction, mr. finnegan legrand, i tried to brace myself for my grammys increasing decline and disgustingly hot hospital room. with many deep breaths and the removal of several layers i sat next to my grammy dressed like it was summer and cried. it was a brief cry but a public cry none the less. it felt good but im still not ready to let go completely. to cry too much like that feels like i would be publicly mourning her. i dont want to let on that in some ways i already have. i feel like i am now beginning to mourn for my op pop. i am afraid for him and selfishly afraid that he will no longer be the same op pop that i adore.

there has been a strange shift in my grammy over the last few days. instead of her whimpers and requests for more pain medication she has been confused and laughing, a lot. this is not like my grammy. she is the pessimist and leaves any optimism to my op pop, deeming it as being realistic. as i mentioned before he jokes around as his coping mechanism. lately, with great sadness, he hasn't been able to get many laughs out of her. my op pop said that the other night he woke up to her trying to get his attention. she had kicked all of her blankets off and thrown them to the floor. when my op pop asked her what she was doing she just began laughing hysterically. then, a few moments later, she didn't know who my op pop was.

my visit on sunday was very much the same. one moment she would laugh and laugh, call people silly names or try to shoo away mysterious red bugs off of our faces. the scariest part is that the doctors aren't sure why. she isn't on ANY pain medication to explain the hallucinations. right now we are just trying to get her to eat 10% of her food so that she can be well enough to go through chemotherapy. i can't help but wonder if its worth it. i hate to see her suffer so much. its just not her anymore. somehow the doctors still seem to think that the chemo is a good solution if she can get her weight up a little.

just please pray for our family. also, please excuse my long winded writings (stephen says i shouldn't be so apologetic but i cant help it). it has been a really positive thing for me to be able to collect my thoughts like this and share. i have been overwhelmed by the love and support our friends and family have extended to us. thank you.