6/12/08

i'm glad that i have the desire and urge to write again. just for the simple fact that its therapeutic for me. i have definitely been in a bit of a slump since my grandmother passed away. not in every aspect of my life exactly but as far as motivation and creativity is concerned- i have been slumpish. and slumpish i am not. i see it in the little things like writing about Finnegan turning over, getting baptized, eating solid food for the first time & sitting up on his own. it sometimes seems impossible to reflect upon without her coming into mind and quietly sobbing. sometimes its just too painful to rehash these emotions over and over again. i cope by ignoring them. i know, that's just not too bright.

i think that my grammy wanted to be sure that we wouldn't forget her - or be alright without her. i know that sounds selfish of her but it was more fearful and insecure. besides, who wouldn't be at least a little fearful that we didn't live our life to the best of our potential? or that we were/are replaceable. my grammy enjoyed being the center of attention a great deal. she loved a good debate. she loved to stir things up and would often seem to disagree just so that she would stand out and be noticed for her strong opinions. she was nothing if not feisty.

i digress...

for example, when i was pregnant she often spoke rather fatalistically to me. saying things like, "i just hope that i'll be alive long enough to meet your son"... or, "to see him roll over" or, "to say mama & dada". i think that my grammy lived with too much fear in her heart. she was (is?) a faithful woman and would probably have said that it wasn't fear but that she was being 'realistic' so as to justify her fear. obviously if you are insanely sick it is reasonable to worry about these fears but to share them with you 8 month pregnant grand daughter is something else. the problem is that she was like this in most aspects of her life and i believe that it greatly affected her chances of recovery. that's sad and hard to say but she would have probably been the first one to admit it.

i hope that i am wrong as that is a difficult way to live ones life- i know first hand unfortunately. i think that i tend to be a bit like my grammy in that regard. stephen calls me a worry wort. the thing is that i am painfully aware of this and feel like i fight against this tendency routinely. so if it is still coming off as fearful to those who im trying to fool- imagine what they would say if they saw my heart! scary.

anyway, all of this to say that i need to face these fears, tendencies and feelings of remorse a lot more straight forward then i have been. i am working on it. maybe writing these things down is half the battle for me. maybe this will help. maybe this will help someone else. who knows.